"Mommy, why don't you and Daddy like each other?"

I have never been very good at hiding my emotions.  I've often had people tell me my facial expressions make it easy to figure out what's going through my mind at any given time.  So just imagine how I am for the few minutes I have to be in the same vicinity as my children's father twice a month to drop off and pick up K and J.  It's near torture to remain civil but I try my best, for the sake of my children if nothing else.
Unfortunately, there have been times when I have not been able to keep my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself.  There have been times, I'm embarrassed to say, that I have argued with my ex in front of my children and kicked myself later for my lack of self-control.  I allowed the urge for me to let him know he is no longer in control of me, my moves, my thoughts, my feelings, my LIFE...I allowed that urge to overshadow the need to keep it together for the sake of my children.  I want them to have happy memories of their childhood, even if the structure of their home is unconventional by society's standards.  Watching Mommy argue with Daddy in the parking lot of McDonald's is not the type of memory I had in mind.

After the last confrontation a few weeks ago, in which I have to say I did my best to stay calm and did not say any bad words (rude gestures out of my kids' line of vision don't count, right??), K asked me with tears in her eyes why her daddy and I don't like each other.  My heart broke for her.  Just the thought of my parents going at each other the way she has seen her father and I do on a number of occasions crushes me.  I can't imagine how a 9 and 8 year old would feel seeing that.

At that moment, I knew something had to give.  And after almost 6 years of single motherhood, I have finally come to understand the best way to avoid confrontation...ignore him.  We rarely speak to each other anyway; our preferred method of communication is text messages.  Unless a text comes through that specifically relates to the well-being of K and J, I ignore it.  It's just better that way.  Since employing this simple yet effective approach which has also been embraced by Mely over at one of my favorite blogs to follow, Sex, Lies & Bacon, I have found there is much less drama between us.  And when we have to be around each other to pick up and drop off the kids, I choose to say my hellos and goodbyes to K and J inside the car rather than outside.  That way, they should only see Mommy and Daddy smiling at them as they come and go, not saying hateful things to each other.

Who knows?  Maybe one day I'll be in a place where he and I can have a civil conversation with each other, filled with respect for each other's feelings, and the urge to show my independence will stay below the surface.  Only time will tell...

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Open Letter to my son, J

To my only son and number one guy in my life, J.  I look at you, your smile, your big brown eyes and your perfect little nose and I am in awe that you are my child.  I doubt you will ever fully understand the depth and power of my love for you and your sister.  I am so grateful to you for your ability to always put a smile on my face even on the darkest of days.  Just a smile from you reminds me that things aren't so bad after all.

As you continue to grown into a smart and handsome young man, remember you are a man of God.  Remember the values I have taught you so far.  Pay attention in school.  Don't be afraid to be your own person instead of following the crowd.  Stand up for what is right when you see others doing wrong.  Always have your sister's back - you guys are a team!  And last but certainly not least, always be a gentleman and treat a lady with the respect she deserves. 

I always wanted you and your sister to have the best of everything I can possibly give you.  I hope that one day when you are older, perhaps with a family of your own, you will look back on these years with fond memories of the times we all shared together.  And now matter how old you are, how many college degrees, and how many kids you have, you will always be my baby boy :)

I love you Jayster!
Mommy xx

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Open Letter to my Daughter, K

To my first born child and sweet daughter, K. I pray that you always know and believe how beautiful you are both inside and out. Your spirit is refreshing to me. Your quirky sense of humor never fails to bring joy to my heart and soul.  I dream of your future and hope that you will accomplish all of your dreams and ambitions...and then some.

As you continue to grow into a beautiful, smart and witty young lady, remember you are a child of God and should always be treated with the respect you deserve. Work hard in school, choose a career in a field you are passionate about and enjoy your independence for as long as possible! There is absolutely no sense in rushing into marriage. As my father taught my sisters and me, learn to be able to support yourself so that you never become solely dependent on anyone to take care of you, including a man.  When Mr. Right shows up, you will know when the time is right to make that huge commitment.  Until then, enjoy life.  Travel, see the world, learn a new skill and make lots of friends along with the way.

Learn to listen to your instincts and if something doesn't feel or look right, walk away.  Don't follow the crowd just to popular.  You being you is a thousand times more interesting than you trying to be someone else.  Never be afraid to stand up for yourself against injustice or to speak your mind during a discussion on a subject you are passionate about.  Be assertive and sure of yourself always, because if you do not have confidence in yourself, no one will.

The next 10 years will bring some interesting and possibly testing times for us both as you journey through the unpredictable teenage years. But please know that my love for you will never wane and I am proud of you always. I will forever be your biggest cheerleader whether its at your high school and college graduations, soccer and basketball games, your wedding...whatever it may be.  I will be there to support you 100%.

I love you boo!

Mommy xx

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Happy (Single) Mother's Day!

Did you know the celebration of mothers on the second Sunday in May was created by Anna Jarvis in Grafton, WV, following earlier attempts by Julia Ward Howe in 1870?  With the help of a wealthy Philadelphia merchant named John Wanamaker, she promoted the holiday until President Woodrow Wilson made it an official national holiday in 1914.  Interestingly, she later opposed the holiday because it had become so commercialized.  Her dream was to make it a celebration of all mothers, not a "Hallmark holiday" (It's amazing what you can learn on Wikipedia!).

Having been both a married mother and now a single mother, I can testify there's a big difference between mothers day celebrations for the 2.  As a married mother, you'll most likely receive a card from your husband and kids saying how wonderful you are.  You might even receive breakfast in bed.  Flowers, chocolates and a nice dinner at your favorite restaurant.  How lovely.

On my first Mothers' Day as a single mom, my children's father bought me a card signed by my children and gave me some money to go out to eat.  I hesitated before accepting, but since it was presented as coming from my children I said thank you and my kids and I had a great time.  When Fathers Day rolled around, I chose not to buy him anything, whether from me or my kids.  Just like Mothers Day, Fathers Day is a day to celebrate fathers who play an active role in supporting and nurturing their children emotionally, spritually and financially.  At that time, and to an extent now, I did not feel he met that criteria and so I chose not to celebrate him.  My kids made cards at school and I felt that was more than enough.  Needless to say, he was not a happy camper that his kindness had not been reciprocated and I received several text messages to the effect of "I bought you a Mothers Day gift so you should have bought me a Fathers Day gift".  I explained my logic, of course he disagreed, and the next Mothers' Day, guess what I got?  An already burned candle that literally smelled like poop.  Very mature.  On Mothers' Days since then I haven't received anything from him.  I like it better that way.

As a single mom, Mothers Day can easily be just like any other day, especially if you have younger kids.  I encourage all single moms to take the time to enjoy and spend time with their kids even more on Mothers' Day than on any other day.  Make breakfast together, go see a movie, take a walk in the park and let the kids play at the playground longer than usual.  You might not receive the stereotypical Mothers Day gifts, but you have the best gift of all - your beautiful children.

Happy Mothers Day!

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