Case Highlight: Ev & Ocho

By now, you have probably heard about the alleged domestic altercation that took place between NFL player Chad "Ochocinco" Johnson and reality star Evelyn Lozada on Saturday, August 11, but in case you haven't, you can catch up on the story here.  The couple married in a lavish ceremony in the Caribbean on July 4.  Although the ceremony was recorded and planned to be broadcast on their spin-off reality show, "Ev & Ocho", those plans were scrapped by VH1 on Monday; 2 days after the alleged incident.

Now let's just be real.  We've all seen or heard about Evelyn's fiery temper, often graphically portrayed on the VH1 reality show "Basketball Wives".  We know she threw a bottle of champagne at Kenya, narrowly missing Shaunie's head.  And of course, there was the famous jump from the table as she launched herself at Jen.  As a result of these incidents and several others broadcast on the show, many are less than sympathetic when hearing of the alleged incident between Ev and Ocho.  Perhaps she deserved it?  Or maybe Ocho is telling the truth and Ev really did headbutt him?  Is that really hard to believe given her apparent lack of control over her temper?

Is this really the way to look at it though?  What if she had been raped in a dark alley by a psychopathic stalker?  Would we then say she deserved it because (in fellow Basketball Wife, Kenya Bell's words), she's "loose"?  Of course not!  So why is it any different now she is a victim/survivor of domestic abuse?  Does she deserve to be physically abused because she has shown abusive behavior towards others in the past?  Does that necessarily mean she headbutted or otherwise physically attacked her husband?

On the other hand, let's not forget the reason why Ev supposedly got mad at Ocho in the first place, which led to the alleged headbutting.  She found a receipt in the trunk of their car for a box of condoms.  She obviously put 2 and 2 together and figured out Ocho was most likely cheating on her.  After only 6 weeks of marriage, I'm sure this was a huge disappointment to say the least.  But am I the only person that recalls the BBW episode where they were discussing what sounded like the possibility of them having an open marriage while he was on the road?  Did she really think he'd only mess around on her while he was away??  Or maybe she was only mad because he hadn't informed her of his intent to cheat on her prior to buying the condoms, as she had advised him to do on the show?

Regardless of what happened that night, we can try this case in the court of public opinion until another celebrity news story steals the spotlight, and we'll never know for sure what really happened.  Only Ev and Ocho know the truth, and since their stories are already conflicting I'd bet money we'll never hear it. 

Still, having experienced similar incidents in my past, I cannot help but feel sympathy for Evelyn, regardless of her past behavior.  I know how it feels to be hurt by the one person you truly believe should be your best friend and the closest person to you.  After listening to the 911 call, I couldn't help but feel sorry for her.  Even though I could hardly hear her speaking in the background on the recording, I could sense the fear and uncertainty in her voice.  She wasn't the loud, brash and overbearing Ev she is on BBW.  She sounded more like a scared little girl.

And who did she run to when she needed help?  Not Tami.  Not Shaunie.  And certainly not Jen.  She ran to her neighbor...possibly a stranger...anyone that could help her save her life.  How desperate she must have felt!

The fact remains, Ocho is innocent until proven guilty in a court of law by a judge and a jury of his peers. Until then, all opinions and judgments are purely speculation.  However, after only 3 days, the effects of domestic abuse are clear to me in this situation:

1. Damage to reputation & finances: Ocho lost his job with the Miami Dolphins and supplemental income from the proposed reality show, "Ev & Ocho";
2. Potential loss of freedom: Ocho was arrested and charged with simple battery, domestic violence after the incident took place and now faces up to one year in jail and a $1,000 fine;
3. Breakdown of a marriage: Ev filed for divorce today, claiming the marriage was "irretrievably broken"; and
4. Effects on the children: Ev & Ocho have 5 children between them.  I can't imagine how traumatic this whole experience has been on them.

I'll be watching closely to see how this case plays out and passing along my two cents every now and then.  I'd love to hear your thoughts on this too...

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"Mommy, why don't you and Daddy like each other?"

I have never been very good at hiding my emotions.  I've often had people tell me my facial expressions make it easy to figure out what's going through my mind at any given time.  So just imagine how I am for the few minutes I have to be in the same vicinity as my children's father twice a month to drop off and pick up K and J.  It's near torture to remain civil but I try my best, for the sake of my children if nothing else.
Unfortunately, there have been times when I have not been able to keep my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself.  There have been times, I'm embarrassed to say, that I have argued with my ex in front of my children and kicked myself later for my lack of self-control.  I allowed the urge for me to let him know he is no longer in control of me, my moves, my thoughts, my feelings, my LIFE...I allowed that urge to overshadow the need to keep it together for the sake of my children.  I want them to have happy memories of their childhood, even if the structure of their home is unconventional by society's standards.  Watching Mommy argue with Daddy in the parking lot of McDonald's is not the type of memory I had in mind.

After the last confrontation a few weeks ago, in which I have to say I did my best to stay calm and did not say any bad words (rude gestures out of my kids' line of vision don't count, right??), K asked me with tears in her eyes why her daddy and I don't like each other.  My heart broke for her.  Just the thought of my parents going at each other the way she has seen her father and I do on a number of occasions crushes me.  I can't imagine how a 9 and 8 year old would feel seeing that.

At that moment, I knew something had to give.  And after almost 6 years of single motherhood, I have finally come to understand the best way to avoid confrontation...ignore him.  We rarely speak to each other anyway; our preferred method of communication is text messages.  Unless a text comes through that specifically relates to the well-being of K and J, I ignore it.  It's just better that way.  Since employing this simple yet effective approach which has also been embraced by Mely over at one of my favorite blogs to follow, Sex, Lies & Bacon, I have found there is much less drama between us.  And when we have to be around each other to pick up and drop off the kids, I choose to say my hellos and goodbyes to K and J inside the car rather than outside.  That way, they should only see Mommy and Daddy smiling at them as they come and go, not saying hateful things to each other.

Who knows?  Maybe one day I'll be in a place where he and I can have a civil conversation with each other, filled with respect for each other's feelings, and the urge to show my independence will stay below the surface.  Only time will tell...

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Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships...and Why They Shouldn't: #2

I Don't Want My Children To Grow Up Without Their Father

I'll be honest.  This is the reason I stuck around for as long as I did.  My parents have been married to each other for 43 years.  They're amazing.  They have always been there to provide whatever my sisters and I needed, whether it was great advice, a wake-up call or a kick up the backside!  They have always been there TOGETHER.  So when I married and started a family, I never dreamed my children would have anything less than what I had as I was growing up.  Because really, who enters a marriage with the intent to divorce and raise their children in a "broken" home?

I certainly didn't.  And to this day, it pains me that my children are growing up in a single parent home.  Although single parent homes are sadly becoming more and more commonplace these days, it still hurts me to see other kids fortunate enough to have both parents come to their soccer games, school plays, dance recitals...and sit together without being forced to!  I think most of you know that's not possible for my children's father and me.  I hate that my children will never experience that.  But it is what it is...

The reality is, staying in an abusive and unhealthy relationship takes a toll on you emotionally and in turn adversely affects your children.  If you are unhappy, your children can sense that.  I will never forget the petrified scream that came from my daughter's tiny less than 1 year old body when she saw Mommy's arm being held a little too tightly.  Or the uncertain look on my baby boy's face when he saw Mommy get slapped across the face in the car.  Neither of them knew how to process what they had seen, but they knew something was not right.  I pray that time has erased the memories of  what they saw.

 The long term effects of being raised in an abusive household can range from anger issues, anxiety, depression, bed wetting and sleep disturbances.  Many children of abusive households grow into abusers themselves and repeat the cycle in their adult life.  Clearly these effects far outweigh the desire to raise your children in the same home as their abusive father. 

Fortunately, my children were never mistreated.  However, I knew I did not want my daughter to grow up thinking an abusive household was normal.  And I certainly knew I did not want my son to turn into another woman's abuser 18 years down the line.  These thoughts are what prompted me to make my big move.  If you haven't already, read my post How I Picked Up the Pieces to learn how I made my move and began the process of rebuilding my life.  It's not easy but it's definitely not impossible.

Your children deserve to be raised in a happy and healthy home.  That does not necessarily mean both parents have to be in the same home at the same time.  Sometimes it is more beneficial for the children to be raised in a single parent, happy home than a two-parent miserable and frightening home.  I know that is definitely the case for my children and me.  I am a much more effective parent to them now than when I was carrying the stress of my situation around with me 24/7.

I pray these words have touched someone, somewhere in a situation they feel they can find no way out of.  All it takes is one call and you can begin your own, personal pursuit of happiness.  A good starting place is the National Domestic Violence Hotline - (800) 799-SAFE.   For my English friends, click here or call 0808 2000 247.  You can even contact me through my Facebook Page, on Twitter or by leaving a comment below.  You can also email me from the blog home page.  I'm happy to help in any way I can.  Just please, make a move before it's too late.

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Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships...and Why They Shouldn't: #1

It's so easy to look at a woman in an abusive relationship and think "why doesn't she just leave?".  Which one of us females has not thought that if a man was crazy enough to raise his hand to  hit me, I'd leave him before he had the chance to make contact?  Well, it's easy to say what we would do when we're on the outside looking in.  But when you're actually in the situation, it's not so clear cut.  Here is one of the more common reasons women stay in abusive relationships and why they shouldn't:

"He'll Change"

Trust me, he won't.  And even if his behavior does seem to be less aggressive, it will be a temporary change.  It's just a part of the Cycle of Abuse:

During Stage 1, tensions begin to build and the abused becomes fearful of the next abusive episode.  She may feel like she's walking on eggshells, trying not to upset the abuser in order to avoid pushing him too far.  Next is Stage 2, the abusive Incident itself.  Abuse can take many forms, whether physical, emotional, verbal or sexual.  Each is just as damaging to the victim as the other.

Stage 3 is Reconciliation, where the abuser appears to regret his actions and does whatever he can to regain your forgiveness and trust.  He may buy you flowers, chocolates and other gifts, while apologizing profusely for what he did.  He might make suggestions of ways to prevent it from happening again, which usually requires a change in your behavior, rather than his.  For example, he might say something like, "If you would just make sure dinner is on time when I get home/the house is clean/the kids behave themselves, then I wouldn't lose my temper and hit you".  Some abusers even attempt to downplay the severity of the Incident, or pretend like it never happened, causing confusion in the mind of the abused.  She starts to think she may be overreacting to what happened...once the bruises start to fade and the cuts begin to heal, maybe what he did wasn't so bad after all.

However, despite his outward showing of remorse, often during the Reconciliation stage the abuser is fantasizing about the next "Incident".  And so the cycle continues...

If this pattern of behavior sounds like your relationship or the relationship of someone you know, you (or they) are in a dangerous position and need to get out NOW.  If you're not sure of how to make that happen, a quick google search can help you find resources in your area that can help you make an escape plan, as well as assist you in taking the first steps toward rebuilding your life once you make that move.  A good starting place is the National Domestic Violence Hotline - (800) 799-SAFE.  For my English friends, click here or call 0808 2000 247.

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Next post coming soon: Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships...and Why They Shouldn't: #2 - "I Don't Want My Children to Grow Up Without Their Father".

Note: To make it easier on myself, I have referred to the abused in this post as a female and to the abuser as a male.  However, there are many instances where the female is the abuser, as well as abuse that takes place in same sex relationships.  That being said, everything I have written applies to all abusive relationships, regardless of the dynamics.

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Abused - A Poem by Imani Rhema

Yesterday I received a very moving poem from a great friend of mine.  She is a super talented spoken word artist, and her skills are always well-received at poetry events in the Nashville area.  Check her out on Facebook (Imani Rhema) or follow her on twitter (@imanirhema) to find out where she will be performing next!

She was kind enough to agree to me posting her work on my blog for all to see.  It really captures the maddening "cycle of abuse" and gives the reader a sense of the various emotions experienced by the abused.  Thank you, Imani for sharing your gift with us.  You are one of the strongest "SiStars" I know :)

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Reluctantly she

Goes to the mirror to gingerly

Wipe the bloodstained tears

That have dried on her face

Standing up straight to regain her composure

Though her nose is tender and swollen

And there’s holes in her hose, her

Heart is heavy she holds her

Chin up

Tries to conjure a fake grin up

But her jaw is too tight for it to last long

She covers her bruises with make up

And tells herself to stand strong

She has to keep up the appearances

For her new employer

And as a youngster she observed her mother

Make it through the pain for years

And Junior?

He fears that he may hug his mama too tight

Because even his toddler embraces cause her discomfort and pain

He watched her new lover grapple with mommy

Like he was in a welterweight championship ring

Because when he arrived home late from work

Dinner wasn’t quite ready

Her stance wasn’t quite steady

Because the dizzy spells set in when the kitchen is warm

And she is torn

Between staying in the unsafe haven that he provides

And escaping to a battered woman’s shelter

Her pride makes her decision to stay seem helter skelter

Because someone on the outside, in their right mind would surely find

That a temporary living situation must be better than a permanent hell

No one can tell her to leave because her self-esteem seems to have left with her dreams

She didn’t complete her degree and her wages are minimum

He allows her to charge the credit card to the maximum

To make up for his guilt and his shame

Shopping only momentarily dulls her pain

Standing in the fitting room mirror in her designer threads

Looking as elegant as a supermodel on a runway

Pretending she has run away to a faraway place

With no bruises on her face

With no welp marks on her waist

No contusions no confusion…

But it’s just a delusion

Because she is afraid to muster up the courage to leave

The illusion of materialism and greed

Deceives her into believing

That there is no way out

She couldn’t possibly afford a car note, daycare

And a payment on a house

Trapped

Waiting on the next time for her man to snap

For something minimal

Him becoming a domestic terrorist was subliminal

He grew up watching his dad abuse his mom daily

And he himself wants to stop but his lady

Just lets him get away with it

He used to love her but now the respect is out the window

He blames her for his temper

That kicks in when the wind blows

He never thought he’d have the nerve to

Put a woman’s head through the bedroom window

And he’s trapped between

Becoming a real man and getting control of his emotions

And using his money to get the power he thinks he needs to control her

The cycle must stop

She has got

To know her value understand her worth

She was created with great purpose and destiny from birth

She doesn’t need letters behind her name to be worthy

A child out of wedlock does not make her dirty

A fresh start, a new heart is what she needed

Want your degree? Just go complete it

Want to lose weight? Just watch your eating and move

You can do whatever you want to do

You can be whatever you want to be

Open your eyes and realize dreams can become reality

Perseverance, faith and fortitude can rebuild your esteem

You may know this woman. It was me.

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How I Picked up the Pieces

On October 27, 2006 I made the biggest decision of my life.  For so long, I had thought it would be impossible for me to walk away.  But on that day, I knew I had no other choice.  For the sake of my sanity and safety, I had to go. 

I had been married for a little over 4 years.  During that time, I had changed into a person I didn't even recognize.  My family knew something was wrong but didn't know how to help because I always put on a pretense like everything was fine.  But on that day, I had finally reached my breaking point.  And like R. Kelly says, when a woman's fed up...well, you know the rest...

After a particularly abusive night, though not the worst, I made up in my mind that I was leaving the next day.  I had no idea where I was going to go or how I would deal with the aftermath.  All I could think was I needed to get out of that house before it was too late.  The next day while he was at work and my innocent little babies were at daycare oblivious as to what was about to go down, I went to the courthouse downtown and applied for an order of protection.  This is a legal document that would be served on him and prohibit him from contacting me or hurting me in any way.  If, after being served, he made an attempt to contact me, I could call the police and he would be immediately arrested. 

Once the order of protection was in place, I raced back home and picked up some clothes for myself and my kids.  A friend of mine had offered to let me stay with her and her family until I was able to get a place of my own.  Such a huge sacrifice they made to allow us to interrupt their family life and take care of us like we were a part of their family.  I am eternally grateful to them for all that they did.

I stayed with them for 3 weeks until I found a place of my own.  Having our own little space felt so good! My children and I were free to do as we pleased as long as we didn't disturb the neighbors!  Over time I regained my confidence, independence and self-esteem.  I found my voice once again and learned that it's ok to stand up for what is right for myself and my children.  I realized that my opinion does mean something and is worth being heard and I was no longer afraid or ashamed to voice it when appropriate.

I'd be lying if I said it was easy.  But I'm being completely truthful when I say it is possible to leave an unhealthy relationship and start over.  It pains me to see and hear of women who stay in unhealthy relationships because they feel they can't make it on their own.  I was there once and it is a sad, dark and lonely place.  I want to hold their hand, whisper in their ear of God's love for them, tell my story and inspire hope for a brighter future.  By writing this blog and sharing a little of my story, it is my hope that i will touch someone, somewhere and help them to take that first step toward better days.  So if you know someone who is going through a tough time right now and maybe needs to hear some encouraging words, feel free to pass this post along to them.  It might just be what they're looking for.

Charlotte

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How did I get here??

I've always been an impulsive person.  I'll get an idea in my head and run with it, only to lose interest shortly thereafter.  Over the years, I've learned to tame my impulsiveness some, but I still have my moments.  Like starting this blog, for example.  I've wanted to start a blog for years, but couldn't think what I could write about that could be of interest to others, or maybe even help provide some sort of guidance as we travel on this bumpy road called "Life".  I believe that everything happens for a reason.  The challenges we face do not come by coincidence.  Instead, they are an opportunity for growth, and teachable moments we can use to strengthen others.  So when I think about the experiences I've had in my thirty-something years on this Earth, it might actually be possible that I can share something that might be of interest to others, or even help someone along the way!  I guess we shall see...

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there were 9.9 million single mothers living with children under the age of 18 in 2010.  I was one of them.  So how did I get here?  It's a really long story, so here's the shortened version...

I was born and raised in Birmingham, England and moved to Tennessee in June 2002.  I married an American man, but the marriage only lasted 4 years.  I chose to leave because I did not want to tolerate his controlling behavior, adultery and physical abuse anymore.  I finally realized and accepted that I would rather be alone and happy than married and miserable, so I left him and filed for a divorce.  Today actually marks 4 years since the divorce became official.  Congratulations to me!

On the bright side, the marriage produced my beautiful children: my daughter K who will be 9 in a couple of weeks, and my son J who will be 8 in a couple of weeks...yes, they are exactly 12 months and 2 days apart... but that's another story for another blog post :)  I'm not sure I want to identify them by name or put their photos on here yet.  I'm sure in the beginning most of the people reading this blog will already know them anyway.  I guess I can decide later on.

What I do know is that I want this blog to be uplifting, inspiring and humorous.  I want it to be thought-provoking and addictive so you'll be on the edge of your seat waiting for the next post.  Well maybe not the edge of your seat, but you know what I mean!  That being said, I doubt I will talk much about my actual experiences of abuse.  Going there reminds me of who I used to be and then I get angry with him all over again for treating me that way, and at myself for not taking more of a stand for myself then as I would now if faced with the same situation.  Instead, I'll talk about how I picked up the pieces after leaving, how I (try to) handle co-parenting with my children's father, and how starting a new relationship makes things even more interesting!  I hope in some way I am able to empower other women in the process!

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