On Being Content

A few weeks ago, along with the wonderful women in my church life group "Virtuous View", I began an amazing journey.  We started reading and discussing together Priscilla Shirer's book "The Resolution For Women".  If, like me, you have never read a Priscilla Shirer book, I encourage you to check out her website at www.goingbeyond.com.  She's full of great words of wisdom...and she's funny too!

The first part of the book calls us to make a resolution to be content.  Content with who we are right now, warts and all.  Content with our circumstances.  Content with our status, be it related to family, finances, career, age or all of the above.  In the first chapter, "Every Bite Counts", Ms. Shirer speaks about how, right before her 36th birthday, she realized she had been rushing from one milestone in her life to the next she thought she was expected  to achieve, without really stopping to enjoy life at any particular moment.

That's when it hit me that for most of my adult life, I have done the exact same thing.  I rushed to get married at the tender age of 21.  3 months after I said I do, I was pregnant with my first child.  5 months after the birth of my beautiful little girl, I discovered I was pregnant with my little man.  When he was only 2 years old, I became a single mother.  When I look back now, I can barely remember my children being toddlers.  Not just because I have a terrible memory, but because I was in a rush.  Life as a single mother to 2 young children while working a full-time job and living thousands of miles away from my family was tough, even though my kids were amazingly well-behaved.  We were constantly on the go and I was always exhausted.  I would find myself wishing they were older, more independent and able to help me to help them a little more...as well as sleep through the night!

Well now that they are a little more independent, I catch myself looking back on their younger years thinking "where did the years go??"  The simple answer?  I wished them away.  I was so busy looking ahead to a time in my life and theirs when I thought things would be so much easier, I didn't take the time to enjoy them as the beautiful little babies they were.  So if you are a single parent or in some other stage of your life that has caused you to become discontent, I encourage you to take a second and really consider the many blessings in your life.  From waking up this morning healthy enough to get out of bed to having enough money in the bank to keep the debt collectors away...these are all reasons to be content with your life as it is right now.

Personally, I'm choosing to savor every single moment I spend with my children from now on.  From J's incessant question asking, to the randomness of almost everything K says...I will never take any moment for granted any more because we all know how fast time flies.  I don't want to wake up 10 years from now to an empty nest and no memories of the way things were.  As for the years that have already passed by, thank God I took a lot of pictures!  Weren't they adorable??!

 

 

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RIP Betsy

Anyone that really knows me knows who Betsy is.  To many she was just a 2007 Chrysler PT Cruiser base model, vanilla in color.  But to me she was one of the first symbols of my independence.  The first car with the title in my name only.  The first car I was completely responsible for maintaining.  Although over the last year or so I may have put more money into her than she was worth, the thought of saying goodbye almost brought me to tears.  Betsy was a part of me and I felt she reflected my personality in some ways...quirky, fun and full of her own personal style.  You'd never see a PT Cruiser and think "hey that kinda looks like a (insert random car name here)".  I like to think the same about myself.

Betsy and I have been through all kinds together.  From road trips, soccer/basketball/tee ball/softball/tae kwon do practices/games, moving from apartment to apartment to house, first dates and broken relationships.  Flat tires and batteries, worn out brakes, multiple warning lights and random beeping...Betsy and I have been through it all.

Unfortunately, last Thursday the time came for Betsy and I to part ways.  Although I traded her in for a newer model (literally), she will forever be in my heart.

Now I have to think of a name for my new car...any suggestions???

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Statistics on Domestic Violence

Last night I attended a training session to begin volunteering with the YWCA domestic violence program.  They told us some statistics that were pretty eye-opening for me and I would like to share them with you:

A woman is beaten every 15 seconds in the U.S.

1 out of every 4 women in the U.S. will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.  There were 3 survivors in the training session, including me.

Females aged 20-24 are at the greatest risk of non-fatal intimate partner violence.

85% of women murdered in TN are killed by men.  That makes TN 3rd in the country; a statistic we most definitely should not be proud of.  However, these murders are usually not reported as domestic-violence related.  In fact, the media often adds a "romantic" element to these types of stories, calling them love triangles or crimes of passion.

I am really excited that I have the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of women affected by this terrible epidemic.  If you were touched by these statistics, I encourage you to consider donating your time and/or money to further the mission of the YWCA to empower the women of Davidson County and beyond.  Visit their website at www.ywcanashville.com.

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The Process of Singleization - When One Becomes Too Independent For A Relationship

 

For me, 2012 has been a journey of self-discovery.  I began the year in a relationship that I hoped would eventually make its way to marriage and the land of "Happily Ever After".  However, that hope fizzled out halfway through the year when I found myself single once again.  Since then, I have been wavering between finding The One and accepting eternal singlehood.  It's been quite the rollercoaster ride, let me tell you.

 

You've probably noticed from my recent blog posts that I am somewhat pessimistic when it comes to relationships and marriage.  Far from embracing the stereotype of the "angry black woman" who can't get and keep a man because she's so bitter at the world, these posts were written by me in an attempt to understand the emotions I was experiencing.  I have always been the kind of girl who enjoyed being in relationships.  But after years of failed relationships for one reason or another, I started to wonder...what's the point of being in a relationship?  What will a relationship bring to me at this stage of my life?  Although I am not rich by any stretch of the imagination, I am able to provide the necessities and even a few luxuries for myself and my children.  I have a decent-paying job.  I have a car that is paid for and a house in my name.  I have family and great friends in my support network.  What can a man provide for me that I can't provide for myself??

 

And so the process of singleization begins.  If "singleization" is not already a word, I'm inventing it today.  If it is, I'm adding my own personal definition: Singleization is the process by which one becomes convinced that a committed relationship offers no benefit to either party to said relationship.  This mindset is typically fueled by the belief that one is perfectly capable of providing for oneself, therefore inviting another person into one's life brings no additional benefits and may indeed produce detrimental effects in the form of drama, heartache and pain. 

 

My singleization process began shortly after my last relationship ended.  My heart was hurting, my mind was a jumbled mess, my future was unclear to me. . . all because I had invited someone into my life and my heart only for the relationship to end and leave both shattered.  It felt like I would never be the same again.  But once I was able to see things "clearly", I realized that I never had to feel this pain again.  I don't have to risk my heart.  I just won't be in another relationship and I'll never feel pain again!

 

The process of singleization may begin in different ways from one person to the next.  However the outcome is always the same.  The singleized person believes  s/he can provide for themselves and can do bad all by themselves.  They don't need help from anyone else to do either!

 

Have you ever noticed that when you're not looking for a relationship, all kinds of eligible suitors come out of the woodwork?  That's pretty much what happened to me.  But instead of looking at this as an opportunity for a healthy, fulfilling relationship, I turned the offers down because I had become singleized.  Thoughts like, "He may seem sweet now but how long will that last?" and "I'm happy by myself, I don't need a man to make me happy" helped to justify in my mind my irrational choice to turn my back on the possibility of love. 

 

The reality is, fear was the catalyst for my singleization process.  Fear of being hurt, whether intentionally or not.  Fear of being vulnerable.  Fear of not being able to control the outcome of a relationship.  Fear of being controlled.  Fear of losing the independence I am so proud to have.  Fear of losing the essence of me as I become attached to another and lose myself in him . . . as I did in the past.

 

As I often like to, I shared my thoughts with some of my married friends.  They all gave me the same advice so it has to be true.  All relationships are not the same.  Everyone is different and we all approach relationships in different ways.  I don't have to have the kind of relationship I don't want to have.  Common sense, right?  But it was a total eye opener for me.

 

So now I am actively trying to reverse the singleization process.  I am opening myself up to the possibility of a relationship once again, trying to remember all of the good things about them rather than convincing myself I'm better off alone.  It's not easy and I'm taking it one day at a time, my sole motivation being I don't want to miss out on what God has for because I was too scared to make myself available to it.

I'll keep you all posted on my progress . . . :)

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The One Where The Bus Driver in Cleveland Punched A Female Passenger

By now you have probably heard the story about the bus driver in Cleveland, Ohio with a mean upper cut, but if you haven't you can watch video of the incident here and the victim's reaction to it here.  Be warned, there are lots of bad words in the first video, and the uppercut delivery is pretty graphic too.

I first heard mention of this on Facebook but was hesitant to look at the video.  I was not sure I wanted to see a man punching a woman while others stood around recording it.  But a friend of mine was interested to hear my opinion on it, so I decided to take a look.

According to the police report, the incident took place on the afternoon of September 18, 2012. Shidea N. Lane, age 25 boarded the bus and either did not have or could not find the money to pay her bus fare.  The driver, 59 year old Artis Hughes drove her to the next stop, at which point Lane allegedly asked Hughes "Are you putting me off the bus?" and "Is this how you treat people in Cleveland?"  Although she eventually paid her fare, a verbal altercation ensued between Lane and Hughes as evidenced by the video.  After Lane appears to push Hughes while he is driving, Hughes stops the bus and gets up out of his seat while informing Lane "You're going to jail now!" (I actually found him saying that to be hilarious).  He walks toward her and punches her square in the jaw, knocking her backwards.  With the whole bus screaming at him, reminding him "she's a girl", he throws her off the bus and tosses her backpack after her.  An obviously shaken Lane gets back on the bus, still cursing after Hughes and trying to hit him while being held back by passengers.

To me, one of the most interesting parts of the video was Hughes' response to the passengers telling him Lane is a girl. He said "I don't care! She wanna be a man, I'm gonna treat you like a man!"

This reminds me so much of the Ev and Ocho incident I wrote about a few months ago. The only difference is we have visual proof of what actually went down. I doubt we'll ever know for sure what happened between Ev and Ocho, but that's another story. 

No one can deny Lane was loud, obnoxious, aggressive, annoying...just plain ghetto!  She was issuing threats left, right and center.  She certainly gave the impression that she could handle her own against anyone, including Hughes.  But is her behavior justification for him putting his hands on her the way he did?  Is that the way men typically resolve their issues?  By fighting it out?  And if a woman gets up in his face while arguing with him, is that a license for him to knock her out because she's "acting like a man"?

In my opinion, no!  There were so many other routes Hughes could have taken (no pun intended!) in handling this situation.  He could have pulled over, exited the bus and called the police, just as he did after punching Lane.  He could have called the bus company to let them know of the situation and ask for their advice on how to handle.  Surely the bus company has policies on how to handle belligerent passengers.  Hughes could even have refused to drive any further until Lane removed herself from the bus.  That would have gotten the other passengers riled up but may have been what Lane needed to realize what a fool she was making of herself. 

I also thought it was interesting when the passengers reminded the driver that Lane is a girl.  Why weren't they reminding Lane she was a girl when she was all up in the driver's face?  Instead they sat back and laughed, enjoying the show.  Is her behavior literally expected from Black women because more often than not, this is the way we are portrayed on TV and in the media these days?  Think Basketball Wives, Real Housewives of Atlanta, Love & Hip Hop or almost any other reality show with a Black woman as one of the stars.  Black women are shown as brash and ignorant with an "I don't give a f***" attitude.  So it's no surprise at all to me that not one of the passengers attempted to remind her of the fact that she was a girl and should perhaps act with a little more class.  In their minds, she was just acting like Black girls do.  Well let me just get something out in the open right here, even though it's not directly relevant to my post.  The Black girl writing this post knows how to act around other people and my little girl will too.  We all have to break the stereotypes stacked against us and our men one parent at a time.  We can't rely on the school teachers, football coaches or anyone else to raise our babies, it's all on us.  My kids will have manners, they will know how to speak to their elders politely and with respect and they will know how to resolve conflict without resorting to violence.  And they for sure will not be out in public acting like ignorant fools. 

But I digress...

Going back to the Ev and Ocho incident,  Ev has a reputation for behaving much like Lane did on the bus that day.  However, as I have said before, the fact that a woman is aggressive and seemingly able to handle her own is no justification for a man putting his hands on her.  Period.  Lane certainly wasn't right for putting her hands on Hughes either as she appears to have done in the video.  However, no one deserves to be assaulted the way Lane was, male or female, unless they are a trained boxer consenting to jump in the ring and go 12 rounds.

In my opinion, both parties were wrong in this incident because neither one of them should have raised their hands to the other.  However, I totally disagree with anyone who says she deserved to be punched because of the way she behaved.  As I said in the Ev and Ocho post, comments like that often cause women in abusive relationships to stay with their abuser, for fear of being held responsible by family and friends for the abuse she has endured.  Oftentimes the abuser is already telling the woman it's all her fault that he hits on her. To hear this type of reaction to a public display of abuse against a women will only solidify that belief in the abused woman's mind.  Her level of confidence, self-esteem and self-worth are so low she will not see the difference between her situation and Lane's and will decide to stay with her abuser to avoid the embarrassment and blame from society.  I can say this with a degree of confidence because I have been that woman.  Therefore I urge you to think carefully before voicing your opinion on incidents such as these.  You never know who is listening, what they are going through behind closed doors, or how your words might affect their next move.

That's my two-cents...care to share yours?  Leave a comment below!

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